Sexy Christians
When I was a teenager, once people found out I was a Christian there was one question that often followed. It was usually asked in the weirdest possible ways, but they were asking the same thing: “Does that mean that you don’t believe in sex before marriage?” My most common reply was: “Yes, obviously I believe it exists”. That generally offset any real explanation so I wouldn’t have to go into the nuances and complexities of that conversation. Now that I’m older, wiser and communicating through an online article, it seems as good a time as any to really flesh out the proper answers to that question.
Two Responses
The potential responses to the question about sex for an unmarried christian usually fall into one of two categories. First is the most direct answer, do you agree that it’s good or bad to have sex before marriage? A simple yes or no fits in here. There are actually quite a few arguments that I’ve heard from a variety of people. Hitting the full spectrum, from those that believe that abstinence ought to be law, to those that think you need to test out a car before you drive it (my wife’s grandfather). I believe that sex is best kept within marriage, I’ll go into my reasons for that later on, I just want my position clear early on. This is not a uniquely Christian view, there are many practical as well as spiritual reasons. The second category of answer wants to challenge the idea of rules altogether. In response to the idea that the Bible is a self-help book and that Christianity is just another list of rules to live by, people want to emphasize what Christianity enables as opposed to what it forbids. The answer then might be something like: “Since I know Jesus, sex isn’t that big of a concern for me”. While this is often a true telling of the speaker’s experience, it may come across as aloof or unpractical, or even a denial of reality, because who isn’t thinking about sex? Nothing is wrong with either category of answer, but let us investigate the question a bit more.
Sinful Sex
I was recently sitting on the Dart heading to Greystones and I overheard a conversation between two young women. They were talking about religion for a while, which caught my attention, but what really surprised me was when one said: “Yeah so, Adam and Eve were kicked out of heaven after they had sex for the first time”. Part of me really wanted to interrupt and tell them how wrong that is. That there is nothing inherently wrong with sex, that God actually commands Adam and Eve to fill the Earth and multiply. How sex was designed by God to be this wonderful beautiful thing, but also something that people take way too seriously. Instead, I just continued to read my book, because I’m a millennial, so regular conversation can give me anxiety, barging into a conversation on a train about sex might give a heart attack. I do think this gives a wonderful talking point for the idea of sex outside of marriage though. There are phrases thrown around like “living in sin”, “premarital purity” and “I’m saving myself for my future spouse”. These phrases make me a little bit sick and honestly I’d prefer some level of self-awareness. For example, when I was talking to a friend’s dad on the subject, and he replied, “So you don’t f*** around?”. There’s a reality there, and honesty about what it is that we’re talking about. It doesn’t make it sound like I’ve reached some higher pain of existence simply because I kept it in my pants. No, it was a personal choice that I made with my girlfriend, one that was hard and that I’m proud of, but not one that I have any desire to show off.
The reasons for it are actually quite simple and don’t need to be over exaggerated. Firstly, is the rather ordinary idea of simple safety. Not the most exciting reason, but the only 100% effective way to avoid STDs and unplanned pregnancies is abstinence. Now I’m not thick, I know that there are plenty of ways to protect oneself against these things, I’m just talking about absolutes. This reason has no moral weight, just a simple point about safety that is worth remembering, even if it isn’t particularly convincing in its own right. The second and most convincing reason for most people is a question of vulnerability. Regardless of your view of sex, it is one of the most intimate things you can do with another person. I cannot imagine a way to be more physically and emotionally vulnerable than sex. No covering, no protection, nothing, just two people desperately praying that the other will accept them. Marriage is the guarantee of acceptance. No matter what, your partner has promised to stick by you. I personally would be petrified without that guarantee. Throwing around that kind of intimacy does not appeal to me. One thing that I require to have sex someone, is total and utter trust. Something I have never shared with anyone other than my spouse. I know there are relationships that can reach a virtually identical intimacy and trust. If that trust is there, are you not married, in some sense of the word at least? Thirdly is that the Bible says so. You may notice that the first two reasons could be applied by anyone, christian or not, but this one I find to be the clincher. You can argue or reason your way around the first two, that’s why they’re called reasons. However, you cannot argue with a command. You can argue that it doesn’t really say that, or that the Bible isn’t worthy of giving those commands. That’s fine, that’s what you believe, I’m still your friend, however I disagree. God has earned my trust and I believe He has the best intentions for my life with His commands, so I follow them where I can. I admit that this reason lacks the visible results that the first two reasons offer. However, I do think there is space in each of our lives for trust. Where we do not necessarily understand the full implications of a request, but we trust the one giving it.
Being a Sex Idol
A problem that plagues society, in my opinion, is our inordinate view of sex. If you came into our world and tried to figure out what we worship. Money might win the contest, but sex would be fairly high on the list. High enough that the idea of a life without sex seems insane. However, that is not the christian view, yes sex is the method of creating life, so does have extreme intrinsic value for that reason. However, the act of ultimate love between two people? I find that explanation vague and unconvincing. If you’ve ever had sex you’ll know one thing, you can’t take it that seriously. It’s fun, exciting and most of the time funny/ridiculous. Another website would tell stories of hilarious bedtime antics, sorry check out Reddit or Buzzfeed or something similar. I am a little more private than that, although I will say that I have those stories. Get me drunk enough and I may tell you, but not right now. What I mean to communicate is sex is taken far too seriously. Society has a tendency to worship sex, to put it up on a pedestal far higher than it deserves at all. Whether they say it’s the ultimate act of love on your wedding night or it's something that is as necessary as food and ought to be treated like a key life experience. This is the biggest conflict with the christian worldview. As a christian I see God as the most important thing, because if He is real then that is exactly what ought to be the case. Thus, whenever something is being worshiped other than Him, that is something that I cannot agree with. I want to stand and say that sex is not so important, and definitely shouldn’t replace God. In the Bible anything that attempts to take the place of God in our lives is called an idol. The worship of idols is probably one of the biggest no-nos in the Bible and I’m happy to support that. At heart its an issue of precedence, whether or not God says that Christians should wait until marriage to have sex, pales in comparison to the question of whether sex is more important than God in their lives.
To Sum-Up
To sum-up, there are plenty of good reasons to wait until marriage, but the ultimate thing that will make a difference to the christian is whether they think it’s a command or not. However, that is not nearly as important as whether sex is more important than God in one’s life. That is the big marker for whether a christian has a healthy sex-life. That doesn’t however give anyone the right to shame or demand of people to follow the practices that we have decided on. The real question is “Is God the most important thing in your life?” Now Christians will certainly want to convince you that God needs to be the most important thing in your life. However, that’s not going to happen unless you believe that God exists. Such topics however, are best left to other articles. I just want to point out that sex is a poor substitute for God.